I know you have complexes, I have mine too...

When I was a kid, I was extremely skinny and had just one eyebrow...
I guess it was there where everything started, but I don't really remember feeling this way at all at that time, or maybe I was just not aware enough to realize it!

I started to get better later on.
I got a clean space in the south of my forehead that gave me two eyebrows, that was big accomplishment, even if I had to fight a very conservative Latin American society at the beginning of the 90's... "Boys don't do that..." Haha! Like a gay guy cares...
I know today things are different...

With time, I started to get better... and feel better... and dress better... and take care of every detail to polish myself to the max...

I guess it was in this way that I started to get the cool hunk boys, the cute ones... the ones that other guys were not courageous enough to approach, and for a while that was my goal, to get them all... and for years I was very successful!!!

Until the day I met Carlitos.

...

I fell in love with him as I never did before.
He was, and still is, my first real love...
This is a secret, please don't tell anyone...
...

We started what it was a very painful relationship, like competing...
But it was not him, it was me, I can see that clearly enough now...

I never learned how to be loved.
How to accept that someone can love me, how to receive love.
And since then I have kept myself sabotaging every intent to feel what it is like to be loved.

One of the wounds that I have carried for years comes from a conversation with him that he does not recall having with me, funny enough and fair enough, isn't?

He told me:
"Remember that the cute one in this relationship is me!"

Oh! I still can feel it like it was that day.
All my self confidence went straight to the floor.
All my strength, my courage, my stillness...

And I got full of doubts.
Full of resentment.
Full of anguish...

Don't ask me why, it seems so stupid, and with the kind of things that I have faced in life, believe me this is nothing...

But there it was, and still is...

From that moment on,
inside,
very inside of myself,
I have felt ugly.

Very ugly.
Just in case you haven't notice that is my worst complex!
Funny enough that my first strength is Appreciation of Beauty!!!
I should be right, isn't?
I am definitely ugly.

Across years I have had this conversations with my best friends, my coaches, my family...
And for a while it gets better...
But something is so screwed inside me, that always repeats.

I have deal with so many other complexes and dilemmas, and get over them, but this one, this one does not want to go away!

The last guy I met and I kind of hang around with here in Portugal started the whole stuff by telling me:
"Remember I am a 9 and you are a 6... Well maybe a 7"...
Just got to know from a new friend (I hope new friend!) that this is a phrase from a scene in Ugly Betty!!! Not even original... Sad! but funny, cos is still linked to Ugly stuff...

Amanda: You and him?
Marc: Why not? He's a 9, I'm an 8.
Amanda: He's a 10, you're a 6.
Marc: You're a b**** I'm a 7!

Thanks to my 'new friend' for keep on playing his own game... and for sharing this and his story with me!

Fun enough?
I guess that is why I kept on going out with him, because I knew where we were heading... Nowhere! Since there was nothing there apart of a cute face and an acceptable bit fat-ish muscle-wanna-be body.
I knew I won't get involved, so I said to myself, let's try this out to see what happens with you when you face this situation again.

Nothing happened.
I remain the same, and we headed there... Nowhere.
Later on he upgraded me to a maybe 8!

Point is, I still feel ugly.
Point is, I need to deal with it.
Point is, I don't know how...
Point is, I have tried almost everything (missing plastic surgery)
Point is, life reconnected me with Carlitos and he does not even recall the conversation.
Point is, I am screwed.
Point is, I don't know what the point is...

I have my complexes.
You have yours.

I deal and live with mine the best I can.
I guess you do the same.

I am Dey, the cool guy everybody says is cute, but feels ugly.
Very Ugly!
Nice to meet you.

Peace.

PS:
Talking with Carlitos is making me feel like time has not passed and like I am having butterflies in my stomach... Have you felt that way when reconnecting with your first love? It is dangerous territory, be aware! At least he is in Venezuela and I am here, distance is a good friend... sometimes...

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