Thursday, February 28, 2008

My way home

Recently I visited Macedonia and in the way there (14 hours of traveling) I worte the following...

My way home...

I am in Croatia.

I am in the way home, or should I say in the way to where once was home…

I am in my way to Skopje.

It has been a journey of surprises and discoveries since that day in 2003 when I left Venezuela; a journey that has been mined of satisfying memories and experiences.

When I left Venezuela - and for many years in a row before I left - my first value for life was freedom. However and somehow, my journey calmed my thirst for freedom and gave me a new perspective on needs and values.

Today I often repeat ‘I do not need that, I want it!’

In a way, this statement can summarize part of the path I have followed; a path of choices and a path of faith. Together they are complete, together they make me complete.

Today I want a dog, a relationship and a garden.

Today I do not need that to be complete. I contain within myself the things that I like and dislike, and one complements the other to make me who I am.

In my way to Macedonia I recall that my perceptions of life were very different, I recognize that I have grown and how much, that inspires me to breathe long and tender and stop for a while.
I have moved, I have moved on.

It is funny how I wonder if I am a better person now… I wonder if this movement has been in the right direction. And again my new ‘me’ tells me that there is no right or wrong direction; there is just ‘a’ direction, in which I have chosen to move.

Right now I am not trying to make sense of anything. In the here and in the now, I am living. In this very second I am staring at my laptop screen letting my words flow; as they are, as they come out.

I definitely feel rejuvenated. I can feel that freedom I so hardly looked for emerging from every pore in my body.

I do not need to be free, I am. We all are.
Even with excuses, with delays, with pain, with complexes, we are; we definitely are all free. We still and no matter what, can choose. That is freedom for me today.

No matter the state, the conditions, the social reality, the money… at the end of the page, we can have a word to choose, an action to make or not, a thought to have. We can infinitely choose.
I have chosen.

I choose to move to Barcelona with nothing more than a very powerful memory of the energy that city transferred me every time I was there. I choose to decline job opportunities. I choose to leave Barcelona and follow a hint. I choose to rediscover my roots in Portugal. I choose to postpone a dream and a commitment. I choose to travel 2 hours from and to my office every single day. I choose to forgive. I choose to look for forgiveness. I choose not to go for a desperate search for love, but to wait still making sure I am out there in the market of love, available to be seen. I choose to stop cooking for a while, it has became a drug. I choose to go to the gym three times a week. I choose to wake up every day at 7 am. I choose to give the best of me in everything I do at job. I choose to give time some time.

I choose to choose and that has set me free.

Later today I will arrive to Skopje and will see old very close and beloved friends. Later today I will face the difference between who I was and who I am, or the lie that I am telling myself when I say so and when I write it here. Maybe I have not change at all; maybe I just have expressed in nice words parts of me that did not have the chance to express themselves before.

No matter what the finding will be. I have chosen that the story that I am telling to myself about myself now worth it and I will continue spelling it for a while, until becomes true or until does not make sense anymore.
I have chosen, again.

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